Why do children of divorced parents so often get divorced? Many of the things I have read on this well known statistic imply that the problem stems from the fact that the children become calloused to divorce because they have seen it happen firsthand. Although this is certainly influential in things, I do not think that it is as simple as children following an example. This is especially clear when we see how often children today reject the teachings of their parents and go down a completely different path in their lives. With how common this "children's rebellion" is in the modern era, why would they choose to copy their parents in this one area so much?
There is another factor that I think is rarely recognized, yet has much more influence. People who divorce are not doing so because of some hidden "copycat" behavior. No, rather they are doing so because they never learned how to stay married. It is a vicious cycle: the parents do not know how to "remain married" because they do not know the basics of living in self-sacrificial relationship with someone else. Therefore, they are unable to teach their children how to live in relationship with others. They, in turn, are unable to teach their children, etc.
Marriage is not a relationship of two people making each other happy all the time. It is a relationship of humility and sacrifice and if people do not know how to live that out, then they are not ready to take the vows of holy matrimony. If two selfish people happen to make each other happy, then getting married will not secure that happiness. In fact, it will ruin it because the more that they "make each other happy" the more they prevent reconciliation on the day that they do not "make each other happy". If the marriage relationship is filled with grudges, selfishness, petty complaints, rude comments and unreasonable demands, then we cannot imagine that this relationship will endure the slightest problems life throws at them.
In the questionnaire for a petition for a marriage annulment, there is a question that asked whether the couple intended to live in a relationship based on "mutual love and respect". Good words (very good), but what do they mean? For many today they have no more substance than "be nice to each other"; being "nice" does not accomplish much in a real marriage if it is not coupled with a willing sacrifice of self for the eternal good of the other. The questionnaire is seeking to understand if the couple had "what it takes" to make the commitment to each other.
Under proper circumstances, all parents would teach their children the basics of living in a loving relationship. Yet, that does not often occur today. The main signs of this are seen in the way that most children today speak to their elders. Do they show respect? Do they look them in eye and answer their questions with a sincere "yes sir" and "no sir"? Do the children know how to reconcile with others? Are they quick to reconcile or do they have to be forced to do so? Do they seek to participate in the family and help others that are in need? All of these are clear signs that a child has learned how to commit himself in a marriage relationship.
Today's gospel reading for the Mass tells us about Jesus' teaching that marriage after divorce is adultery (and thus not true marriage). It stems from the fact that a genuine marriage is indissoluble and thus
to attempt to contract another marriage on top of the first one is
adulterous (regardless of what the state may say). I am regularly amazed at how few Catholics know this basic fact. Divorce is rampant today, and it shows little sign of diminishing. Parents, are you protecting your children from adultery? Are you giving them the emotional and spiritual tools to avoid divorce? If you are teaching them how to live their lives in the love of Christ, and to commit themselves to living selflessly, then that means you are working toward that goal. If not, you may very well be encouraging them to get divorced some day.
